Communicating our feelings is such a common struggle for many of us. You may find in your case that you are able to communicate assertively in one area of your life, but not in another. For example, some people feel as though they can speak up at work when they need to set boundaries and identify their expectations. These same people may go home and fall silent when their partner or family member, such as a parent or life partner, does or says something that is hurtful. There are also the cases in which some individuals have a difficult time expressing their feelings in every aspect of their life, regardless of the audience.
Our brain is a computer. It is programmed by those things we have and have not experienced. This is why the psychosocial aspect of development is so important to consider when trying to understand our personal level of functioning. Our emotional and social world create the code our brain relies on to interpret the world and to determine our decisions. As children, we watch and learn as others communicate. If we are taught that speaking our thoughts and emotions is not welcome or not safe, then we will be prone to remain silent. We may be afraid of hurting the feelings of others, or being misunderstood or rejected.
Take a moment and ask yourself, “Who taught me how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with others?”
Most people will say they may have learned how to communicate from watching and listening to their parents. Many of my clients have told me, “Nobody. Nobody in my house ever really talked about their feelings. They fought a lot. We were taught to shut up and listen. There were things we didn’t talk about. I knew not to talk about it because I didn’t want to get in trouble. We all knew but nobody dared talk about it.” Even in the “happiest” of families, there may have been things that weren’t discussed. Maybe you grew up feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings so you just said what you thought would make everyone else happy, and never shared your true feelings because you didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or burden anyone with your needs. Does any of this sound familiar?
If it does, then you have partially answered the original question. “Why is it so hard to say what I really want to say?” It is hard to say what you really want to say because you never learned how to. Instead, there were certain beliefs that were programmed in your brain that established certain patterns of thinking that make it difficult for you now, to say what you want to say, and to say it clearly and with confidence.
To reprogram our brain, we have to break out of our old ways of thinking. Here are 8 things to remember:
1. Stop worrying about protecting everyone else’s feelings.
I have nothing against being considerate of the feelings of others. It is extremely important to take other people’s feelings into consideration. However, the first person you have to take into consideration is you. That’s right. You are a human being with feelings as well. If someone is doing something, or not doing something, and this is affecting you, then it is okay to let that person know even if it hurts them to hear it. After all, if you don’t say anything, how will they know? Your thoughts and feelings matter. In a healthy relationship, the other person would want to know how you feel, since they would want to make sure your needs are being met. So if we break it down from here, you are actually taking the other person into consideration by speaking up and letting them know what is on your mind.
2. Stop worrying that other people will leave you or stop loving you if you say what is on your mind.
This is a pattern of thinking known as catastrophizing. You think about the worst case scenario and believe 110% it will happen. Except that, it most possibly will not happen. If you tend to think this way, challenge your fear by asking yourself, “What is the worst case scenario that scares me?” If you have someone in your life who is willing to walk away because you are sharing your feelings, then consider the possibility that this person was not at all invested in your wellbeing. Do you really want to love someone who is that emotionally fragile? Do you really want to keep people in your life who can’t handle the truth, or who are not willing to work on things?
3. Stop believing people should know better.
This is another pattern of thinking known as “shoulds.” No one can read your mind and although there are some things that would seem as universal truths, the reality is that not everyone will subscribe to these truths. We cannot assume people will know how to behave in certain situations. I have seen this come up a lot in couple’s counseling. Typically, one person will say, “But he/she should know…I shouldn’t have to tell him/her…” When you hear the should in your thoughts, it is a red flag that you are having an irrational thought. Instead, remind yourself that the possibility does exist that this other person really does not know and that you may be the first person to bring their behavior into a different light. Remember, don’t beat around the bush. State your thoughts clearly and get straight to the point. Hoping people can read between the lines falls under the same category as hoping people can read your mind. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
4. Stop thinking things will magically fall into place.
This is another pattern of thinking known as magical thinking, or wishful thinking. “It’s okay, I don’t have to say anything. It will sort itself out.” Wrong. Maybe in some cases things may just fall into place, but usually, nothing will happen if nothing happens. Typically in a situation where both people are being avoidant, the problem will continue to brew under the surface and both individuals will eventually behave as though nothing ever happened. Instead, resentment or fear will grow silently, and it will only be a matter of time for these emotions to boil over.
5. Stop worrying about finding the right way to say something.
We all struggle to find the right words at certain times of our lives. We can sit alone, and rehearse 101 ways of saying the same thing. Sure, the delivery matters, but at the end of the day, it is better to say what we want to say, even if it comes out wrong, than to never say it at all. A suggestion here would be to ask someone you trust to listen to you rehearse, and then listen to this person’s feedback. However, keep in mind, even if you have the best delivery, it may still not be received in the most positive way. This depends on the recipient and where their head is at. I have had couples sitting across from me, where one person is using an assertive statement, but their partner is not really listening. In this case, you have to remember that there is only so much you can do or say. When it comes to healthy communication, it takes two to tango.
6. Stop waiting for the right time.
This is a tricky one. When I teach anger management, one of the topics that come up as an anger management skill is to always take into consideration time and place. If you are looking to discuss a sensitive subject, you do not want to begin a conversation when the other person is rushing to get to work in the morning. However, there are moments in which we stall to bring something up because we are frightened to bring it up. For example, you are having dinner, and although you have ample opportunity to say something, you don’t. Then, at the end of the night, you tell yourself it’s too late to say anything, and decide to try again at a later time. Let’s face it, there will be topics that are difficult to bring up, regardless of time and place. Topics that fall under this category include infidelity, financial failures/troubles, and criminal/legal history. In these cases, the rule of thumb is, the sooner you say something, the better. Nobody ever wants to feel as though they were in the dark for longer than they had to be.
8. The moment you choose to say nothing at all is the moment you accept the consequences of your silence.
Wouldn’t you rather just say what you have to say and then hear what the other person has to say, so that you can both make a mutual decision on what to do next? Do you really want to live your life beating yourself up for not communicating what is on your mind? The moment you accept that you are in the driver’s seat and that you are the author of your life, then you must also subscribe to the belief that you are the only person who can speak up for yourself. In other words, you have to believe 110% that you have the right to share your feelings, and then choose your next step based on how the other person, or people, choose to respond.
Otherwise, if you decide to settle for silence, the feelings you feel are yours and yours alone. You can get mad and feel resentful towards others, but this would only be a form of lying to yourself and trying to avoid the reality that the only person who has betrayed you is you, and you alone. The moment you acknowledge this is an area you can work on, you have taken ownership of yourself and you owe it to yourself to do what may not feel most comfortable at first. It is okay, you may relapse at first, but if you are consistent and keep working on things, in time, speaking up won’t seem so hard.
Magalis Sandoval,LCSW-QS 
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